Never Alone

It's 2:41 am on a Monday morning.  I still haven't fallen asleep, and now I have heartburn like you wouldn't believe and nothing in this house to help it.  I also have a headache but what else is new ya know!  I did have a great online chat with a dear friend.  We didn't chat about the weather, or farmtown, or anything that easy.  We chatted about my dysautonomia.  She sat and listened to me as I once again went through my story, and then she let me get my fears off my chest.  Have you ever had someone try and talk to you and you think in your head, "Oh no, here they go again... I wonder how I can get out of this conversation?"  I have.  I've had that very thought before.  We're human and after all, we get tired of hearing other people's problems or situations sometimes.  But during this time when I have needed someone to talk to, someone who will just listen and let me get all this pain and confusion about why I'm going through this off of my chest, there has been someone there to listen.  Someone there to encourage me, share scriptures that helped through their hard times, send prayer cloths and beautiful cards of inspiration, there has been someone there.  I think back through my life and wonder how many times was someone reaching out to me, and needed me to be that person for them.  Did I find a way out of it, or was I that person in their time of need?  Galations 6:2 says: Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.  Have I always done that?  After having my friend bear my burden tonight I was reminded that I should be more vigilant of myself and my actions in the future.  Be more aware of my friends, my family, my aquaintances, even the stranger who may need an ear to hear their cries.  I pray that God will continue to speak to my heart, so that my ears and spirit may be sensitive to those around me.  That when they are crying out for someone to help shoulder their burden for a bit, that I hear their cry.  I pray that I not grow numb to them crying out in desperation, but that when their heart is breaking mine feels their pain, so that I might know how best to help shoulder their pain.  I'm thankful for moments like tonight.  For moments when I'm laying here while everyone around me is sleeping, and I look in my facebook chat and I see a friend online.  I'm thankful that when I said hello, she responded.  I'm thankful that she listened and responded with encouragement and understanding.  I'm thankful most of all, because I know when she said she'd be praying for me, I know she meant it.  After all, she was online chatting with me about my frustrations at 2 in the morning!  I'm thankful that God used this dear friend to remind me once again that He hears me.  When I cry out in my spirit, God why have you left me alone? Why have you allowed this to happen and now I'm alone?  He hears my cries and sends another dear friend by even in the wee morning hours and says to me "My child, you are never alone!  I hurt when you hurt and I rejoice when you rejoice!  I am Your Father, and I have heard your cries and seen your tears."  I love it and am thankful when at my lowest times, when I look at my situation and feel helpless and scared and alone, my wonderful Savior reminds me I'm not doing this alone... after all it's when I'm weak, that thru Him I am strong.  It's when I fall on my knees, that I can stand in Him.  I wrote a song several years ago.  The chorus was something like So if I must fall on my knees, just to keep from falling. Then that's what I'm willing to do. Because that's not much compared, to the cross of calvary, that you bore long ago to set me free.

So if this disease is what it takes to keep me falling to my knees, then it's nothing compared to the cross He carried to set me free.  If this disease is what I need right now to remind me and teach me what He wants me to learn, then I know I will make it. Because I know that God will never place more on me than I can carry. And I know that when I feel like I can't even crawl any further, that He will pick me up and remind me that I am never alone, that He is my Father, and if I can't crawl, He will cradle me and carry me.

So thanks to my dear friend who took your time and listened to me, and allowed God to use you to remind me, that I am never alone.

Good Days, Bad Days

Good Days, Bad Days.  What exactly does that mean? Well before Dys. came into my life a good day was simply a day when I was out and about and everything just seemed to go right. A bad day would have been a normal out and about day as well, only maybe, perhaps everything didn't go my way. Since Dys. came into my life Good Days, Bad Days has taken on an entire different meaning.  Now a good day is a day when I am able to shower and not get sick, and a bad day... well those are classified as not so bad days, bad days, and crummy days. Not so bad means I felt a little rough after my shower but I was able to shower and dress and maybe get out and get some errands done or just get something done around the house.  A bad day is when I wake up feeling not so good, and after I shower I am spent and feel crummy for the remainder of the day. Not able to get anything else done for that day. I may even fall asleep several times during these days, because naps here and there give me the energy I need to just exist as a lump on the couch.  A cruddy day is when a shower is not possible at all. These days I usually remain in bed for the entire day. I usually will sleep for a few hours at a time during those days, and on these days I'm actually able to sleep at night due to the sheer exhaustion of getting up to go to the bathroom during the day.
Today was simply a bad day. Last night I didn't rest at all... insomnia was horrible.  I had a phone interview for disability (the hospital arranged it for me) and after an hour on the phone, I was even more exhausted. Lack of sleep and a lot of questions are not a good combo for a normal person... you throw that at a dys. person and man we are like a bumbling bowl of jello!  I hope that my answers were coherent. I do remember apologizing for the slurred speech a lot.  After my phone interview I rested for a while longer, and managed to get a shower. Some days the benefits of feeling refreshed can outweigh the disadvantages of showering with Dys. Today was one of those days.  I managed my shower (all of which are sit down showers now), got dressed and put a cap on my head.  This was the extent of making myself presentable for the day. After all my mother in law was coming over to help with household chores and I just couldn't stay in a t-shirt only all day!  When she arrived I was fresh out of the shower in a heap on the couch waiting for my heart to quit beating out of my chest due to the shower.  Finally I was able to get "thank you for helping out" out and just lay there for the remainder of the time she was here pretty much.
 It's nice to have help. In fact it is a blessing.  My husband is great. He straightens and does his best at keeping the house up, but with 2 small kids, it can become a mess in a short amount of time.  So I called for backup today and she showed up ready to get some down and dirty scrubbing/cleaning done.  So now I'm laying here watching Christian Music Videos on KTV and typing this blog entry. I have a clean house, my husband fixed a decent supper, and I've had a shower today. The last 3 elements of my day have made my day bearable even though it was a bad day.  So just remember, even when it's a bad day, or worse, there are always small little things that can help make it more bearable!
Dys may try and kick me when I'm down, but it might as well be prepared and know that I'm a fighter! I have alot of support in my corner backing me, and even on bad days, it will not get me down!!!