My flesh and my heart faileth...

Today I just wanted to blog an encouragement to all of my fellow Dys. Fighters.  There are many days when we feel alone, isolated, and up against an unshakable wall.  We wake up to find our bodies are screaming against everything within us that wants to get up and go.  We get out of bed, only to realize too late as we hit the floor that our body just will not agree with our plans for the day.
People ask me so many times, how do you do it? I'm often at a loss for words, because I don't do it. Well not without the strength of my Savior, Jesus.  Everyday is a struggle.  I've made some things easier in some ways. For instance, one hard choice to make for me was my hair.  Not in a conceited way or anything, but I've always been told I had beautiful hair. My Aunt Alley, who lost a battle to breast cancer, was one of those ones who would say to me that my hair was beautiful.  My husbands family always told me what beautiful hair I had, how rich and healthy it looked.  But now for the sake of my health in this Alabama heat, I had to make the choice to cut it. Not just a trim, but now it's as close to a boy cut as a girl can have. Do I like it? No. I miss looking in the mirror and knowing that at least something about me was beautiful. Now I look in the mirror and see ease. Not beauty but the ease that short hair has afforded me. The energy saved from not having to blowdry and style. It's just a small sacrifice. People may say, So what, big deal, you had to cut your hair. But for me it was huge. Another decision I make every day is do I chance going outside in the heat or do I stay inside and try to pass the day however I can. Well that's just an obvious decision. The heat would zap me of my energy instantly, making me sick therefore rendering me unable to care for my kids while my husband is at work. This is a hard one for me, and sometimes I go against my body and all logic within me and I go out anyway. I pay the price, for several days or more, but sometimes giving up another love - the love of the outdoors - is sometimes hard to let go.
My point in all of this is that it is oftentimes the little things we are forced to let go that hurt the most. Not being able to spend a lazy summer afternoon out playing with my beautiful daughters is so hard on me. It was the one thing I struggled with the most at first. It's been more than a year now since I've been really sick. Is it any easier to miss those days outdoors with my girls doing all the things I did with my parents outdoors? No it's not easier. But I do make an effort to find other things we can do together. It's all about finding your priority in life, and if the circumstances have changed and caused you to be unable to fulfill these priorities the way you always have, then find another means of fulfilling them! Does your child miss you playing ball outdoors, or camping outside under the stars, and other things? Play ball indoors! Break the rules! We have one of those huge bouncy balls, and we'll toss it around in the bedroom, kick it around the kitchen. If something gets broken, you won't miss it as much as you'll miss those moments with your kids!  There is always a way where there is a will.  And with Dysautonomia you can't make it without the will to fight!
My main weapon in fighting Dysautonomia is my faith in Jesus. He is my strength and my biggest fan. Why do I say that? Well I have a purpose in life. God designed me with that purpose in mind and as long as I'm striving to fulfill the purpose, God is there helping me with the strength to go on. He never fails me. Yes I have an incurable, rare, frustrating beyond belief disease. Yes I struggle to do the things I know God has called me to do. But, I know that God is my strength when I'm weak. He's my courage when I'm scared. He's my clarity when my mind is in a foggy mess. He's my best friend when I feel alone. He is my everything. There is nothing I can't do without God.
I've been told I'm so brave to do the things that I do. Referring to singing in the worship team and things like that. After all, singing uses oxygen, which we already struggle having enough of! I'm not brave, I'm faith driven. Love driven. Passion driven. I love my Savior, I love singing in worship to my Savior, and I have faith that this is what He's called me to do and He will supply the strength ,to do it. This is where the title of this blog comes in.
Psalms 73:26 says, "My flesh and my heart faileth: [but] God [is] the strength of my heart, and my portion forever.
When you feel like all the world is crashing down around you. When you feel your body is at the very least against you. Remember that verse. And then follow it up with this one.
Psalms 18:2 says, " The Lord [is] my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, [and] my high tower.

Just remember on those extra hard days, Keep your faith, hope, and trust in the Lord. God is our strength, our deliverer, and our help in times of trouble and difficulty. I truly believe this and felt that someone out there today needed to be reminded of this. I love you all, and pray for you daily that God gives you strength, comfort, and peace today. God Bless, Miranda - Fellow Dys. Fighter :)

Jesus turned and saw her. "Take heart, daughter," he said, "your faith has healed you." And the woman was healed from that moment.

Jesus turned and saw her. "Take heart, daughter," he said, "your faith has healed you." And the woman was healed from that moment.   Matthew 9:22 NIV

This scripture holds significant importance to me now.  As you all know from reading my blog, I have a disease called dysautonomia.  This combined with a silent migraine caused stroke symptoms just over 7 weeks ago.  I was not able to speak at first and my left leg did not work at all.  I slowly made progress and the neurologist said that I should make a full recovery, in time.  So 7 weeks in, and I’m finally singing again having regained my speech.  Seven weeks in, though, I am still using a cane to walk, and I had a horrible limp.  But to me this was progress!!! I was excited! I was thrilled to be mobile again! I was ecstatic that I was singing again and speaking plainly and normal!  Life, to me, was great!  I was learning to live with my situation.  I was learning to take life by the reigns, so to speak, and enjoy the ride no matter how bumpy it was!  I was living the life I’d been given, to the fullest extent of my abilities, and thanking God for His blessings upon me so far.

All of this changed for me just 3 short days ago.  It was Sunday morning, October 18, 2009.  I woke up and dressed for church just like I had every Sunday for the last 8 Sundays since my medical issues had arisen.  As I left the house I grabbed my purse, my 3 bottles of water, and my walking cane.  I arrived at church with great anticipation of the mornings service! We were beginning our revival!  The first one in quite a while, and I was also going to be able to sing in the worship service!  It would be the first Sunday I would sing with 100% clarity in my voice!  So I was excited!  Sunday morning’s service was amazing! God did great and wonderful things!  His spirit moved mightily and I left church that morning desiring for the afternoon’s service to arrive quickly!  I just couldn’t wait for worship practice and service to begin!

Four o’clock arrived and worship practice began.  We prepared our songs and prayed for the service.  I refilled my water bottles again, gotta stay hydrated and keep that blood pressure up!  And then the night’s service began.  The second service of our revival!  I was excited!  Worship service was awesome, and then Bro. Willingham preached a great message!  And then Darryl, our worship leader, headed to the keyboard to prep for altar service.  The rest of the musicians followed and I grabbed my cane and kept my husband near me because at this point in the service, I wasn’t feeling great.  My leg had grown weak, my heart rate was still up from singing during the worship service and I just plain felt bad.  But I didn’t let not being able to walk keep me from being in church, and I wouldn’t let this keep me from singing!  I made it to the stage, sat on my stool, got my microphone and water bottle and we began singing.  Altar service once again was amazing!  God was doing a great work among His children, and the place was “a rockin'” *smile* to put it mildly!  We were singing Look what the Lord has done, and Bro. Willingham came up and laid hands on me and prayed for me.  Before I knew it I was standing arms stretched toward heaven praising my God!  You know they say you give to God and He will respond, and respond He did!  God’s spirit slayed me out, and I could feel a change!  I felt a joy wash over me!  When I got up I began walking!  Walking and praising my King!  Now for those of you who weren’t there, my cane was still where I placed it once I sat down on my stool to sing!  I was walking!!!  I was walking without a cane! I was walking without a limp! I was walking without someone’s arm to lean on!  God had healed my leg!!!  I worshipped and walked in praise to God until the service ended!  I gave my testimony and it was simple but to the point.  I simply said, “I’m here and that’s (my cane) there! and I pointed to the stage. 

After service my Big Daddy (Eric's grandfather but I claim him as I truly feel that he’s as close to a grandfather as I’ve ever had) told Dianne (Eric's aunt) to “Go get that walker, she won’t be needing it anymore.”  So I walked into church that night with a horrible limp, using a cane.  But God’s healing graces reached my leg, and I walked out on my own with a strength in my leg I’d not felt in 7 weeks!  I don’t know about my dysautonomia.  I know that God can heal it, maybe it’s just not the right time for that yet or maybe I’m meant to live with it to keep me close to what’s important, my faith in God.  Who knows.  But I know one thing.  My God is a God of healing!  My faith in him is stronger than it ever was, and whatever the outcome with my dysautonomia, I’ll always remember the feeling I had in my body as God was healing my leg!  I will always remember how I felt as I stood and walked!  I posted on my face book status the next day of how God had healed me and how I walked in with a cane, and how I’d walked out without it!  And the old song, I’m walking on sunshine, oh oh… and don’t it feel good! popped into my head, and it hit me.  I was walking on SONshine!!!  So I can sing I’m walking on SONshine, oh oh, and don’t it feel good!!! :) 

So like the woman in the Bible that Jesus turned to and healed.  I have had faith in my Savior, and this faith has made me whole!  And my leg was healed from that moment!!!

Jesus turned and saw her. "Take heart, daughter," he said, "your faith has healed you." And the woman was healed from that moment. Matthew 9:22 NIV

for when I am weak, then am I strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 - And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

This scripture pretty much sums it all up.  It has been 6 weeks and 2 days since the onset of my latest symptoms.  Some have told me that they wish they had the strength that I have.  That they could not have faced the circumstances I have faced and stayed positive and kept their faith.  Those type of statements puzzle me.  For starters I don't see myself as strong, well not without keeping my faith in God.  I have had 6 weeks and 2 days of pretty much keeping silent.  For those who have not read my blog, 6 weeks and 2 days ago I could not speak due to what neurologist say were the symptoms of a silent migraine combined with my dysautonomia.  I lost the use of my left leg 6 weeks and 1 day ago.  It has been probably the longest 6 weeks of my life, or so it has felt.  Today was the second Sunday I was able to get up on stage with our worship team.  Today was the first day in 6 weeks and 2 days that I was able to sing with a solid, non slurring voice to my Savior!  So I was sitting there singing "I feel Jesus, I feel Jesus, I feel Jesus in this place.  And my soul does, burn within me! For I feel Jesus, In this place."  And it occured to me that 6 weeks and 2 days ago I could not even say the name of Jesus aloud!  I've been thinking on this all day, rejoicing that today I could sing to my Savior again!  And also thinking about those questions of how I have handled this last 6 weeks so well.  So this blog is going to be dedicated specifically to that answer!

  As I said in church today, that 6 weeks ago I couldn't even say the name of Jesus.  All my life I've been taught that when trouble arises and you can't handle it, just say the name of Jesus!  All my life I've been told that when all else fails, call on Jesus.  I even teach my children this!  When they have a scary dream or they get worried about something we pray and call on Jesus! We sing Jesus loves me, to remind them that He loves them and when they feel weak that He is strong!  So from the time of my birth up until now, this has been something I was taught and have continued to teach my children!  But like I said, 6 weeks ago I couldn't say anything, and I couldn't call on Jesus!  And I know that He hears my heart and knows my thoughts, but there is nothing as soothing as calling on Jesus and feeling His presence cascade around you like a comforting blanket of love!

  So what did I do?  I couldn't do what I'd been taught, although my spirit was crying out daily, hourly, for Jesus.  Well my first step was I went to where I knew that there were those who would cry out the name of Jesus for me!  I was in the emergency room on Friday night, August 28, 2009 not able to speak with left side muscle weakness. Saturday, August 29, 2009 my leg quit working and I lost all control of it.  But on Sunday morning, August 30, 2009, I woke early.  I drug myself to the shower and took the first sit down shower of my life.  I got dressed with the help of my family.  And then I drug my leg into that church leaning on my husband and my dad.  I knew where I needed to be!  I knew I needed to go where others could call out the name of Jesus on my behalf!  I craved to be in the spirit of my Lord!  It wasn't easy.  The important things in life never are, but the rewards outweigh the pain and struggle!

  Each day since that Sunday I've faced struggles.  Each day I searched the scriptures for a word from the Lord that would give me strength for yet another day!  And each day God would lead me to the right words.  I am admittedly one of those who has been raised in the church, yet I've never read the Bible in it's entirety from cover to cover.  I struggle to understand the scriptures. I struggle to remember what I've read, and often quit reading due to becoming frustrated from reading it over and over and still not grasping it.  But in the last 6 weeks, I haven't sat and read chapters upon chapters, and I haven't read it cover to cover yet, but I've read scriptures and God's shown me that if I let Him lead me in my reading then He'll provide the understanding!

  There have been countless scriptures that I've found, most of which I have posted to my facebook because I'm so excited in my spirit what God's led me too!  Each day there would be a scripture that God would show me and remind me where to look to for my strength to go yet another day!  God used people to share their stories of faith and how they overcame trials with me.  Each day I saw over and over how very near my God was to me.  And how very comforting that cloak of love he had for me was!  Each Sunday I've gotten up and gotten dressed.  It's not been easy. In fact my routines these days are much different than they were 7 weeks ago when I last went to church before this happened.  Getting to church or anywhere for that matter is difficult and tiring these days, but it's where I desire to be!  That has been the desire of my heart, to be with God and with friends in the House of God, and God has given me the desires of my heart!

  So when people ask me how I've remained strong and kept my faith and not crumbled under the load of all of this, it does cause me to stop and wonder how could I not have kept my faith?  How could I not trust my creator?  He gave me life!  He fashioned this body and placed every part of it just where it needed to be, so how can I not trust Him with it now?  I was speaking with someone recently about faith and they spoke of how they struggled to keep their faith.  I told them that we've always been told "Have faith as small as a grain of mustard seed" but I've never been told to allow God to cultivate and grow that seed!  But isn't that what we must do?  If we just have a seed, then we have a seed!  But if we let that seed become planted in our hearts, in the foundation of our spirit, and let God water and care for it. That's when things start to happen!  The seed sprouts and grows and becomes much larger and grounded!  But if we just hold onto that seed ourselves, we're just stuck with a seed!  I gave God my seed during these last 6 weeks, and I've been able to watch my faith in Him grow a little more each day!  

  God's not a God that will leave you when the going gets tough!  He's given us all that we need to face hard times, we just have to dig a little deeper in His words and promises sometimes!  We just have to be able to hand Him our seeds!  This is where I've been able to keep my strength and face each day, because I've given it to God!  As humans we sometimes think that it's our problems and we should shoulder them.  We end up sitting at home with a bum leg and no voice, instead of in God's house, just as an example.  We end up sitting there and sitting there, and pretty soon we're whining to God about how miserable we are. We sit there some more and then anger sets in and before we know it we're so far from God because we've decided to carry our burden, keep our seeds, and do it ourselves!  I knew this wasn't what I wanted!  So I got up off my couch, gave God my teeny tiny little seed, told God I needed His strength to get to His house, and I went!  This is how I've been able to last 6 weeks and 2 days of not being able to call on His name!  I did this week after week, letting others say His name for me during prayer and I called out to Him in my heart.  But today...  today I sang out to Him with my heart full of a deeper love than I had 6 weeks and 2 days ago, because I gave God my seed. I gave God my problem and I removed my 2 cents worth from the story and let Him write it.  And today I was able to yet again testify of how doing this, has given me my voice back, getting me my leg back, and getting me towards a tomorrow that will be closer to Him than today!

  So I rejoice and glory in my infirmities, because I know that the power of Christ may rest upon me!  FOR WHEN I AM WEAK, then THRU HIM I AM STRONG!!!

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 - And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.