Tuesday, August 3, 2010

My flesh and my heart faileth...

Today I just wanted to blog an encouragement to all of my fellow Dys. Fighters.  There are many days when we feel alone, isolated, and up against an unshakable wall.  We wake up to find our bodies are screaming against everything within us that wants to get up and go.  We get out of bed, only to realize too late as we hit the floor that our body just will not agree with our plans for the day.
People ask me so many times, how do you do it? I'm often at a loss for words, because I don't do it. Well not without the strength of my Savior, Jesus.  Everyday is a struggle.  I've made some things easier in some ways. For instance, one hard choice to make for me was my hair.  Not in a conceited way or anything, but I've always been told I had beautiful hair. My Aunt Alley, who lost a battle to breast cancer, was one of those ones who would say to me that my hair was beautiful.  My husbands family always told me what beautiful hair I had, how rich and healthy it looked.  But now for the sake of my health in this Alabama heat, I had to make the choice to cut it. Not just a trim, but now it's as close to a boy cut as a girl can have. Do I like it? No. I miss looking in the mirror and knowing that at least something about me was beautiful. Now I look in the mirror and see ease. Not beauty but the ease that short hair has afforded me. The energy saved from not having to blowdry and style. It's just a small sacrifice. People may say, So what, big deal, you had to cut your hair. But for me it was huge. Another decision I make every day is do I chance going outside in the heat or do I stay inside and try to pass the day however I can. Well that's just an obvious decision. The heat would zap me of my energy instantly, making me sick therefore rendering me unable to care for my kids while my husband is at work. This is a hard one for me, and sometimes I go against my body and all logic within me and I go out anyway. I pay the price, for several days or more, but sometimes giving up another love - the love of the outdoors - is sometimes hard to let go.
My point in all of this is that it is oftentimes the little things we are forced to let go that hurt the most. Not being able to spend a lazy summer afternoon out playing with my beautiful daughters is so hard on me. It was the one thing I struggled with the most at first. It's been more than a year now since I've been really sick. Is it any easier to miss those days outdoors with my girls doing all the things I did with my parents outdoors? No it's not easier. But I do make an effort to find other things we can do together. It's all about finding your priority in life, and if the circumstances have changed and caused you to be unable to fulfill these priorities the way you always have, then find another means of fulfilling them! Does your child miss you playing ball outdoors, or camping outside under the stars, and other things? Play ball indoors! Break the rules! We have one of those huge bouncy balls, and we'll toss it around in the bedroom, kick it around the kitchen. If something gets broken, you won't miss it as much as you'll miss those moments with your kids!  There is always a way where there is a will.  And with Dysautonomia you can't make it without the will to fight!
My main weapon in fighting Dysautonomia is my faith in Jesus. He is my strength and my biggest fan. Why do I say that? Well I have a purpose in life. God designed me with that purpose in mind and as long as I'm striving to fulfill the purpose, God is there helping me with the strength to go on. He never fails me. Yes I have an incurable, rare, frustrating beyond belief disease. Yes I struggle to do the things I know God has called me to do. But, I know that God is my strength when I'm weak. He's my courage when I'm scared. He's my clarity when my mind is in a foggy mess. He's my best friend when I feel alone. He is my everything. There is nothing I can't do without God.
I've been told I'm so brave to do the things that I do. Referring to singing in the worship team and things like that. After all, singing uses oxygen, which we already struggle having enough of! I'm not brave, I'm faith driven. Love driven. Passion driven. I love my Savior, I love singing in worship to my Savior, and I have faith that this is what He's called me to do and He will supply the strength ,to do it. This is where the title of this blog comes in.
Psalms 73:26 says, "My flesh and my heart faileth: [but] God [is] the strength of my heart, and my portion forever.
When you feel like all the world is crashing down around you. When you feel your body is at the very least against you. Remember that verse. And then follow it up with this one.
Psalms 18:2 says, " The Lord [is] my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, [and] my high tower.

Just remember on those extra hard days, Keep your faith, hope, and trust in the Lord. God is our strength, our deliverer, and our help in times of trouble and difficulty. I truly believe this and felt that someone out there today needed to be reminded of this. I love you all, and pray for you daily that God gives you strength, comfort, and peace today. God Bless, Miranda - Fellow Dys. Fighter :)


Leanette said...

Thank you Miranda. I'm sure there are others but your blog message was for me this day. It is such a struggle to not give up hope when you just can't find a way to make it. The one thing about Dys is that it causes you to either be creative or hopeless. I am ashamed to say that I thought that I was the one who ran my life and didn't realize how much I had stopped looking to the Lord for my life. I have lived with the physical things for so long that I don't lose hope over them. Where I get in trouble is this horrible brain mush that settles in before I know it. I don't even know I am being faithless cause I can not keep a thought in my head long enough to examine my thoughts. I want to scream at my loved ones to just get inside my head for an hour and experience what I live with. I guess it is pride that wants to be as smart as I use to be. Maybe I wasn't so smart before. The same God that gave me what I needed before gives me what I need now and that is as you have so beautifully stated - His strength. That is more than enough. Thank you for blogging today.

Miranda said...

I'm glad that this helped you today Ms. Leanette. I've been thinking on this for a couple days and felt that today was the day I should lay those thoughts down into a blog. I hope that God continues to give you strength and if ya need an ear, you know how to find me. Miranda

Kelley said...

Hi Miranda. Wow we have a lot in common. I'm a photographer. I live in Alabama. I adore my precious Jesus and I have Hyperadrenergic Dysautonomia with POTS. Would love to talk some time!