for when I am weak, then am I strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 - And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

This scripture pretty much sums it all up.  It has been 6 weeks and 2 days since the onset of my latest symptoms.  Some have told me that they wish they had the strength that I have.  That they could not have faced the circumstances I have faced and stayed positive and kept their faith.  Those type of statements puzzle me.  For starters I don't see myself as strong, well not without keeping my faith in God.  I have had 6 weeks and 2 days of pretty much keeping silent.  For those who have not read my blog, 6 weeks and 2 days ago I could not speak due to what neurologist say were the symptoms of a silent migraine combined with my dysautonomia.  I lost the use of my left leg 6 weeks and 1 day ago.  It has been probably the longest 6 weeks of my life, or so it has felt.  Today was the second Sunday I was able to get up on stage with our worship team.  Today was the first day in 6 weeks and 2 days that I was able to sing with a solid, non slurring voice to my Savior!  So I was sitting there singing "I feel Jesus, I feel Jesus, I feel Jesus in this place.  And my soul does, burn within me! For I feel Jesus, In this place."  And it occured to me that 6 weeks and 2 days ago I could not even say the name of Jesus aloud!  I've been thinking on this all day, rejoicing that today I could sing to my Savior again!  And also thinking about those questions of how I have handled this last 6 weeks so well.  So this blog is going to be dedicated specifically to that answer!

  As I said in church today, that 6 weeks ago I couldn't even say the name of Jesus.  All my life I've been taught that when trouble arises and you can't handle it, just say the name of Jesus!  All my life I've been told that when all else fails, call on Jesus.  I even teach my children this!  When they have a scary dream or they get worried about something we pray and call on Jesus! We sing Jesus loves me, to remind them that He loves them and when they feel weak that He is strong!  So from the time of my birth up until now, this has been something I was taught and have continued to teach my children!  But like I said, 6 weeks ago I couldn't say anything, and I couldn't call on Jesus!  And I know that He hears my heart and knows my thoughts, but there is nothing as soothing as calling on Jesus and feeling His presence cascade around you like a comforting blanket of love!

  So what did I do?  I couldn't do what I'd been taught, although my spirit was crying out daily, hourly, for Jesus.  Well my first step was I went to where I knew that there were those who would cry out the name of Jesus for me!  I was in the emergency room on Friday night, August 28, 2009 not able to speak with left side muscle weakness. Saturday, August 29, 2009 my leg quit working and I lost all control of it.  But on Sunday morning, August 30, 2009, I woke early.  I drug myself to the shower and took the first sit down shower of my life.  I got dressed with the help of my family.  And then I drug my leg into that church leaning on my husband and my dad.  I knew where I needed to be!  I knew I needed to go where others could call out the name of Jesus on my behalf!  I craved to be in the spirit of my Lord!  It wasn't easy.  The important things in life never are, but the rewards outweigh the pain and struggle!

  Each day since that Sunday I've faced struggles.  Each day I searched the scriptures for a word from the Lord that would give me strength for yet another day!  And each day God would lead me to the right words.  I am admittedly one of those who has been raised in the church, yet I've never read the Bible in it's entirety from cover to cover.  I struggle to understand the scriptures. I struggle to remember what I've read, and often quit reading due to becoming frustrated from reading it over and over and still not grasping it.  But in the last 6 weeks, I haven't sat and read chapters upon chapters, and I haven't read it cover to cover yet, but I've read scriptures and God's shown me that if I let Him lead me in my reading then He'll provide the understanding!

  There have been countless scriptures that I've found, most of which I have posted to my facebook because I'm so excited in my spirit what God's led me too!  Each day there would be a scripture that God would show me and remind me where to look to for my strength to go yet another day!  God used people to share their stories of faith and how they overcame trials with me.  Each day I saw over and over how very near my God was to me.  And how very comforting that cloak of love he had for me was!  Each Sunday I've gotten up and gotten dressed.  It's not been easy. In fact my routines these days are much different than they were 7 weeks ago when I last went to church before this happened.  Getting to church or anywhere for that matter is difficult and tiring these days, but it's where I desire to be!  That has been the desire of my heart, to be with God and with friends in the House of God, and God has given me the desires of my heart!

  So when people ask me how I've remained strong and kept my faith and not crumbled under the load of all of this, it does cause me to stop and wonder how could I not have kept my faith?  How could I not trust my creator?  He gave me life!  He fashioned this body and placed every part of it just where it needed to be, so how can I not trust Him with it now?  I was speaking with someone recently about faith and they spoke of how they struggled to keep their faith.  I told them that we've always been told "Have faith as small as a grain of mustard seed" but I've never been told to allow God to cultivate and grow that seed!  But isn't that what we must do?  If we just have a seed, then we have a seed!  But if we let that seed become planted in our hearts, in the foundation of our spirit, and let God water and care for it. That's when things start to happen!  The seed sprouts and grows and becomes much larger and grounded!  But if we just hold onto that seed ourselves, we're just stuck with a seed!  I gave God my seed during these last 6 weeks, and I've been able to watch my faith in Him grow a little more each day!  

  God's not a God that will leave you when the going gets tough!  He's given us all that we need to face hard times, we just have to dig a little deeper in His words and promises sometimes!  We just have to be able to hand Him our seeds!  This is where I've been able to keep my strength and face each day, because I've given it to God!  As humans we sometimes think that it's our problems and we should shoulder them.  We end up sitting at home with a bum leg and no voice, instead of in God's house, just as an example.  We end up sitting there and sitting there, and pretty soon we're whining to God about how miserable we are. We sit there some more and then anger sets in and before we know it we're so far from God because we've decided to carry our burden, keep our seeds, and do it ourselves!  I knew this wasn't what I wanted!  So I got up off my couch, gave God my teeny tiny little seed, told God I needed His strength to get to His house, and I went!  This is how I've been able to last 6 weeks and 2 days of not being able to call on His name!  I did this week after week, letting others say His name for me during prayer and I called out to Him in my heart.  But today...  today I sang out to Him with my heart full of a deeper love than I had 6 weeks and 2 days ago, because I gave God my seed. I gave God my problem and I removed my 2 cents worth from the story and let Him write it.  And today I was able to yet again testify of how doing this, has given me my voice back, getting me my leg back, and getting me towards a tomorrow that will be closer to Him than today!

  So I rejoice and glory in my infirmities, because I know that the power of Christ may rest upon me!  FOR WHEN I AM WEAK, then THRU HIM I AM STRONG!!!

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 - And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.