Wednesday, October 21, 2009

…teach me thy paths. Lead me in thy truth, and teach me…

Tonight is the last night of revival, well officially.  I personally feel that revival doesn’t end when the evangelist leaves.  If it’s a true revival then it continues on in the hearts and spirits of the people long after the official dates have ended! 
I know that this week has opened my eyes to some things.  I know that in the past I was content on being “near” to the Father.  I’ve learned this week that being “near” is not enough!  We should strive to be “next” to our Father!  When you are “near” someone you are close enough to see them, but not always feel them.  When you are “next” to someone you can feel them, touch them, and even hear their heartbeat if you get close enough.  That is where I am desiring to be.  NEXT to my heavenly Father.  I want to be so close I can hear His heartbeat as I lay upon His chest.  In the Bible when Jesus called the little children up to Him, He didn’t just sit them on the ground near Him, but He lifted them up onto His lap and held them close to His heart.  The Bible says that we must come to Him as a child!  We must allow Him to pull us up onto His lap to be “next” to Him!!!  Thanks to Bro. Mike Willingham’s message on this during our revival.  His illustrative and explanatory preaching was wonderful in conveying this to me! 
Since my illness worsened back in the spring and early summer months, I have learned valuable lessons.  God has constantly and daily been teaching me that without Him I am truly powerless.  My body has failed me numerous times during the last several months, but my God never has.  In fact He has proven to me more and more that He never will!  I have been thinking and wondering why on Sunday night I could feel God changing my leg and my voice, but with my heart and other problems, I felt the same.  I could feel an actual change taking place in my leg. I could feel it growing stronger and as joy rose within me and laughter bubbled out I could feel that my voice was also different somehow!  Yet, my autonomic problems still felt the same.  So I’ve had several days to ponder this, to pray on this, to converse with God on this.  And in my spirit, in my heart, I feel God speaking to me… “There is more I must teach you.”  I know I’ve learned a huge lesson during the time I was immobile due to my leg, and I was incapable of voicing anything due to my speech.  I learned to finally turn to scripture for my comfort and answers.  In all of my life, during every trial I’ve faced, I have had one constant thing.  I’ve turned to man first.  I turn to friends, family, anyone who might say something, anything, to help my situation.  During this time I had no voice to turn to anyone.  All I had was my computer and online bible that I used to search the scriptures.  I did that.  Each day I would need someone to help me, I closed my eyes and asked, “Lord, show me what I need.”  I would then type in the search box the word I felt God was speaking to me, press enter, and up would pop a list of scriptures.  I would then read each one, and there would always be the one when God would say “stop.  Re-read.”  It would be the exact word I would need to make it another day or to answer a question I might have had.  For the first time, I’d been forced to learn to turn entirely and only to God for my help.  This has opened up a whole new world for me!  I’m able to speak clearly and plainly now, but I still first turn to scriptures and to talking with God before and if I even talk to another human!  I can tell you that God’s answers have been 100% better than any answer man has ever offered! 
So I’ve questioned God, why not the dysautonomia?  Why is this still an issue?  And I still feel Him speaking to me.   “There is more I must teach you.”  I have several thoughts and feelings on this.  Maybe I’m one of those people who need daily reminders on where to look for my strength… well the correct place to turn to anyway.  Or maybe I’m still learning to lean upon God fully and wholly.  Or maybe there is a whole other world of things God has in store to teach me thru this disease!  All I know is that each and every day I awake and I’m able to get a shower, dress, and get going with ease… it’s not my body that’s doing it… It’s my God!  My body should not be able to stand on a church stage and sing for hours with all that is within me!  But I can!  My Body should not be able to withstand a full day of getting dressed, worship practice, helping in worship, helping in altar service, but I can!!!   And I know that each time I have these days, each time I wake up and jump out of bed and get going like a normal person, it is not my body that is doing it because dysautonomia does not allow for normality!  Dysautonomia does not allow me to jump straight out of bed, stand in a shower and a hot shower at that, get dressed, do things around the house, go to worship practice, attend a full service while singing with all that is within me, and still get home and get my kids dressed and ready for bed.  No dysautonomia does not allow this.  So each day I do these things, I’m reminded over and over how GREAT my God is!!! I’m reminded that without God, this would not be possible!  So maybe this dysautonomia is here just for a while longer, maybe it’s here to stay.  Whatever God chooses, I’m perfectly fine with!  For I know that as long as I keep clinging to the things God is teaching me throughout all of this, then He will keep supplying my needs and the strength that my body does not supply!  So hen God says, “There is more I must teach you.” I believe that He will do just that.  I’m ready to learn!!! 
So when you face a battle in life, don’t ask, “Why me?  Why is this happening to me? or say Why do I never get a break?”  This is what I thought at first.  I was so upset because I felt that my life as I knew it was over! And thankfully it was!  Because my contentment to be near my Savior had begun to change and I hadn’t even begun to realize it yet!  So next time when you face a battle, ask God, “What do you want to teach me?”  Because I’ve learned in all battles there is a lesson to be learned!  Don’t miss out on being taught by the most loving and wonderful teacher you can ever know!
So my prayer will continue to be this…  “Shew my thy ways, O LORD; teach me thy paths. Lead me in thy truth, and teach me:  for thou (art) the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day.  Psalm 25:4-5
**NOTE: I think I may not have gotten the near and next thing exactly right. It may have been near and close, but I hope you get the idea! :)


This is a Blog said...

You should be very proud of your strength in fighting this horrible disease. My wife has it and also has a blog

The more of you that are connected and working together to find best practices in battling dysautonomia, the better.

Anonymous said...

When I was diagnosed with POTS, I didn't say why me, it was what do I need to learn from this and God what are you trying to teach me, I've learned alot. My walk with God has changed, and is very different now, more dependent on HIm, because I know I can't do it on my own. My biggest struggle is getting use to my new self. Your new look on your blog is very nice. Keep drawing near to Him