Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Well last night I was trying to get my coupons together because we haven't been to the grocery store in like 2 weeks... I really gotta get some groceries bought! HA Anyway, I sat here in my chair for the longest trying to put together a simple shopping list and the matching coupons and didn't get ANYTHING accomplished. My brain just couldn't focus. I hate it when this happens to this extreme because it makes you feel stupid when you can't even do simple things like a grocery shopping list. Anyway, I just wanted to vent. I hate this stupid disease, but more than that I hate how it makes me feel. I'm not a stupid person. When my mind is clear and the dys is leaving it alone I'm actually pretty smart. But when the disease is at it's worst, which is most of the time now, I feel as dumb as a brick. Talking to someone and forgetting what the next word you were trying to say is. Or forgetting everything you just told the person and you have no clue what you were even saying. It's like there's nothing up there and you're left standing, or in my case sitting most of the time, with your jaw dropped trying to figure out what you were saying. It's awful. I hate it. I'm 29, almost 30, and I have so many problems with my memory and cognitive thinking that it's just not even funny. I'm not 80 or 90! I'm young! So why must I live with problems that generally only come along when you are 80 or 90? I rarely say "It's not fair!" But today I'm saying it... IT'S NOT FAIR! I just want to live a normal, healthy, young life. I want to live a life where I feel like the wife and mother I was meant to be...not this half of a person feeling I always have. I want to live a life where I feel that I'm contributing to the world around me instead of always depending and counting on those in the world around me to keep me safe. I hate, hate, hate this! Anyway, I just had to vent. Even those of us who seemingly "Do so well with our circumstance" have moments like this. You just don't see them because we've grown so good at keeping them hidden and private. But I think that sometimes it's good to show exactly how you feel. Sometimes it's better not to put up a brave front and face. Sometimes you have to let people see how you feel every day of your life, even if it is just a brief glance, because maybe it will help them understand a little more.