Starting to feel worried again. It's been so fantastic having this hiatus from most of my symptoms. If I could only bottle up whatever it is during pregnancy that makes my symptoms less severe, I would. Liam just turned 14 months and symptoms are creeping back in more and more. I passed out on Wednesday night. It was a brief blackout, but that doesn't mean the floor doesn't make me hurt just the same as a long blackout. For the last 3 weeks or so the brain fog has been increasing in intensity. And now it seems the insomnia is coming back on as well. I really hate this stupid stupid disease! The added stress I've had lately hasn't helped at all as stress is a HUGE factor in bringing on symptoms for me.
I'm scared that I'm going to lose the freedoms I've had for the last six months. Taking my kids to their Dr. appointments has actually felt fantastic! Being able to do the grocery shopping. Driving short distances. It's all been SO NICE, but in the last two months I've actually had to let someone else drive my car and my kids home because I was unable to do so. I've had to cancel grocery trips because my stupid body just couldn't handle it. It really sucks.
I try and be optimistic and upbeat about everything but this go around it's hard to face the possibility that my freedoms may be gone again. All because I have this stupid disease. And there is stupid drama going on right now that has had me not only anxious, stressed, but also depressed. I don't get depressed very often. In fact I'm rarely sad. I'm just a happy person by nature. So knowing that I'm fighting depression makes me feel weird. I'm just not used to being sad. I miss being happy all the time. A lot of people don't get how I can have had all that's happened to me and yet still be happy. I've even had Dr.'s tell me, you should be depressed a little, it's ok to admit it. But I try and tell them I just don't get sad that often, and definitely rarely feel depressed. It's just weird for me.
I've typed up posts and deleted them over and over because I truly kept waiting until I was able to be upbeat or optimistic about all that's going on, but it's been a couple months of increasing signs of symptoms and I just haven't reached that "optimistic" point yet. I hope it's soon because dealing with this stupid disease sucks bad enough without feeling like this.