Monday, November 9, 2009

Crossroads…

I’m not really sure what to type up for this blog.  I’ve struggled for the last week or so trying to think of something good and uplifting to say.  But in truth, the last week or so has been a hard one for me.  Not so much physically, although that does play a part in how I feel, but there have been so many other struggles that I’m trying to work through emotionally or whatever you may call it.  It’s like being at a crossroads.  You don’t have a map.  You don’t have a cell phone.  You don’t have GPS. You don’t even have a compass.  You are at a crossroads that you’ve never faced before and left, right, or straight will determine where you end up.  So I’m here. Looking at these 3 different directions praying that the right road is taken.  You see I know where I want to be and how I want my life to be.  I know that I want to look at my life, and say, “There is nothing missing, it’s complete.”   But deep inside I feel that something is missing.  Some spark, some something.  I’m happy spiritually and I love my family.  I guess it’s just that somewhere along the last  10 years things within me have changed. They’ve had to change more recently due to my medical issues.  My likes my dislikes. My can-do’s and cannot-do’s.  So much has changed, that I’m not sure if I really know myself anymore.  So I’m at a crossroads trying to evaluate things.  Trying to move past the things I’ve lost, like my ability to just go out and do things alone like fishing and hiking along a creek to find just the right spot.  Those are the types of things I miss so much.  Finding a quiet spot, just hearing nature and the water and feeling the excitement as I reel one in, and also being glad that no one is there to see my frustration when I realize that it’s in fact just a huge stick or boot on the end of the line that I’ve been fighting! lol  I guess I miss the independent part of myself.  I am scared to drive because the migraines are totally messing up my vision without warning.  I am scared to take a chance and go off fishing by myself, because if my body decides to do like it did Saturday morning and I black-out without much warning, I’ll be alone, and what if I hit my head or something when I went down.  Life has just gotten so complicated and in all of the questions that my health has thrown at me, I feel lost.  Who am I?  What can I learn to like that my health won’t keep me from doing, and I’ll still have just as much enjoyment as sitting beside a creek alone?  What is there out there for me?  Now don’t read all this and say, wow she has a crummy life!  I don’t.  I love my family, and my children are my greatest joy.  I love singing and participating in the worship ministry.  I have my online fun and games and things like facebook that keep me company when I’m un-able to get up and about.  But every person needs that something that is just their’s and their’s alone.  All the things that were “just mine” I either can’t do or I’m too afraid of being alone and passing out  or losing my vision due to the migraines endangering myself or even others.  So I’m at a crossroads I guess you could say.  One of these roads will take me to something that can “just be my thing” again.  Something that will fill the empty spot that losing the ability to do the things I loved left.  So here I am just trying to figure out which way to go.  How do you do that?  How do you find something to replace something lost that you’ve loved your entire life?  I thought that when I could walk and talk again, that I could just pick back up and be right where I left off.  But the stupid dysautonomia has caused so many changes, and new challenges, that it hasn’t been possible to do so yet.  So how does a girl who loves nature, and fishing, and getting out in the woods alone with nature manage to find something to replace that void?  I haven’t figured it out yet, and I’m still standing here looking left, right, and straight… trying to figure out which way to go.  Which road has something I can do on my own, and truly enjoy and love it as much as I love the things I’ve lost?  Time will only tell I suppose.  Until next time my friends, have a wonderful day and never take one minute of time for granted!

2 comments:

Rusty Hoe said...

Hi Miranda

I so understand how you feel. I'm lucky I live in a beautiful area where nature is in my backyard. I can't walk far (esp not by myself) but I can sit in my red chair and look at the trees the birds all of it. I understand your longing only too well. You do have a form of independence though, your blog. Prior to getting ill would you have created a blog? I know I wouldn't have. Your blog lets you express You, the real you the you that dysautonomia can't take away from you. You may not be able to fish by yourself, but you can still love it and express that love to everyone who reads your blog. You can share that bit of happiness. Your kids can read this when they are older and see how much their mum loves them and her true spirit. Sometimes its hard to say what we feel (esp when that brain fog hits) and here you have a record of you. That's something to treasure.
(sorry that may not seem to clear, bit fogged myself today)
Take care
Michelle :)

Michele said...

I think we hit the crossroads daily with dysautonomia. I keep finding that I can no longer do the things I love and the numbers seem to be increasing daily. I'm a nature girl myself, and had the good fortune of an amazing Bible study lesson in which we were suppose to go to one of our favorite places to be alone with God and reflect on what we have learned from Him in the last month. Everyone was talking about trips to the mountains or the beach, and I knew I couldn't do either of those (which are my favorite places also) so I decided to go to my backyard and sit under my peach tree. As I sat there, I was amazed at the the life and growth of that tree, it's beauty from the prunning and fertilizing I had done, and began to realize how much love I had put into the tree. I realized then that God must feel the same way about us. What I'm trying to get at, is God's beauty is all around us, and that something as small as the details in a flower or tree may be our new nature. Didn't mean to carry on, Thanks for the great blog. :) Inspire, Michele