Monday, November 16, 2009

I have and will always put my hope in Your word

It’s funny how reading one sentence can change your whole outlook.  Last night I cried for hours.  I don’t mean I say I cried for hours when I only cried for a few minutes here and there.  I literally mean that tears silently flowed for several hours and no one in my house even noticed.  I lay on my side, chatting, playing a game on the laptop, all the while the tears just kept flowing.  I’ll admit it. I felt sorry for myself.  I’m human and I felt it unfair that once again I was laying in bed with another stupid part of a disease that I felt was unfair that I have to begin with.  I cried myself deeper into a hole, that if I’m honest I’ve been allowing myself to sink into for a while now.  I’ve been smiling and laughing and trying to rejoice with the rest of my small world that I’m walking and talking, when inside I was still so upset that yes I am walking and talking again, yet I’m still too tired to really and truly fully enjoy it.  I have a good day sometimes.  I rest all day on Saturdays so that I can enjoy my Sunday mornings and get as much as possible from the church service.  But inside for the rest of the week I sit home unable still to do the things I truly desire to be doing.  I honestly am thankful for all the great things in my life.  I have a wonderful family.  I have 2 beautiful and smart children who I believe love the Lord even at their young and tender age.  I have a wonderful husband who puts up with all of me even when I can’t tolerate myself.  I have a great family, and I thank God for them every day.  I only wish I could enjoy more things with them.  I only wish I could spend more time up on my feet doing things with them.  Things I probably would have once taken for granted had it never not became an option.  So I admit I have allowed these things I have been unable to do to bug me to a point that I have just dug a hole.  It started as a small hole. Just something I thought I could bury the pain of the loss of those thing in.  And day by day it grew and grew into the massive darkness that surrounded me.  Until all around me all I can see is the loss.  So last night I lay in bed silently crying for hours.  I lay their trying to explain to someone how I felt, but realized that they could try all day long to understand but they truly couldn’t.  I got to the point that this didn’t bother me, and I just talked. I talked until I had nothing really left to say. I talked of how tired I was. I talked of how when I woke in the morning I was already too tired to fight that days struggles.  This person told me I needed to quit letting the devil win, and that I needed to fight.  But I replied that I had nothing left to fight with.  I have no energy left at all.  It takes all that I have these days just to exist.  And it’s hard and frustrating because on the outside I look just like everyone else, but my insides are so tired that I have nothing left to give at all.  And that was pretty much the end of the conversation.  I felt some better because I’d finally just poured it all out, well most of it, and sometimes it’s just good to do that.  I cried a little more, and then I was able to stop crying for a while.  I posted a post on my facebook. It was simply this. “I'm having a hard time with this disease.I feel broken in so many ways, i can't explain.I'm tired in ways I can't explain.So far I've done ok, but right now I need rest in more ways than I can explain.I need to find a way to get out of the dark hole this disease has pulled me into.I need the prayers of my friends now more than ever.”  I got responses back from my friends.  They were useful and helpful to me so I’m going to post them each.
“Miranda, I am so sorry that you are living through this painful trial...I am praying for you..I hope that God will continue to bless you, give you strength and peace...Love and prayers, Lori”  “Prayer is happening! Eva” “praying Miranda, Keith” “miranda, God has moved mountains for you, Stand on that! Tell satan he is a lyer, and you want stand for this, God brought healing to your body, and by Jesus's stripes we ARE HEALED, in the name of JESUS. love you and prayin. Joanie” “the enemy has been defeated miranda! you are already a walking testimony! i love you and will be praying for you today! Laura” “Speak it as though it were Miranda..not as it is...SPEAK IT AS THOUGH IT WERE...IN JESUS NAME........ Cindy”  “defeat the enemy......stand on God's promises. Anita” “Always remember the Lord is our strength when we are weak. He is our healer and our refuge. Lord I pray over my sister and I speak Healing and rest in the name of JESUS!!! Thank you LORD!!! Love ya:)  Glenda” “Miranda the Lord has brought you a long way, and he's going to take you the rest of the way. I wish I could make all this go away. But, we know someone who can, just trust in the Lord with all your heart. He created your body and knows your body better than any dr. ever can. He will give you the strength that you need. He is our refuge in time of trouble.  Lona (my mom)” “I love you and I am praying for you. Emily” “I love you and I am praying for you. Angela”
I read all of these and at the end I looked to my left and saw my daily scripture that I have on facebook.  It was Psalm 119:143
"Trouble and distress have come upon me, but your commands are my delight."  And it hit me.  Trouble and distress.  That was all I had been feeling.  This disease and all that goes with it is summed up with those two words… trouble and distress.  So I looked up the rest of the scripture that surround that one.  And starting with Psalm 119 verse 144 it reads like this in the NIV.
144 Your statutes are forever right;
give me understanding that I may live.
145 I call with all my heart; answer me, O LORD,
and I will obey your decrees.
146 I call out to you; save me
and I will keep your statutes.
147 I rise before dawn and cry for help;
I have put my hope in your word.
I could not have said it better. So my prayer is this.
Trouble and distress have come upon me but Your’s oh God, Your commands are truly my delight.  I ask that You give me understanding that I MIGHT LIVE!  With this disease I live, but there are days when I feel I I am not living but merely existing.  I want to LIVE!  I want to feel alive!  So I call with ALL MY HEART!!!  Answer my cries Lord, and I will obey your decrees!  I call out to You. SAVE ME from the darkness and despair of this disease! and I will keep and obey your Word!  I am rising before dawn and crying for help; and I have and will always put my hope in Your word. Your child, Miranda

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