I hate this feeling. Today wasn't the first time that I got sick after eating. It's been happening more and more frequently lately, but today it seemed to hit me the hardest. Right now I'm hungry, but the fear of eating and getting sick again is over riding the hunger. I guess the good thing is I'll lose weight from skipping a meal...haha On a serious note this really stinks. I'm home alone with the girls, and just don't want to take any chances on getting sick with no other adult here. What will I do if this whole getting sick when I eat thing sticks around. How will I know if it will make me sick again like it has recently. I don't think it's an allergy thing since it's happened with such a wide variety of foods. I hate Dysautonomia and all it's stupid unknowns. I hate that one minute I'm feeling perfectly fine (well fine if you have dysautonomia, I rarely feel perfectly normal fine) and then the next second I'm writhing in pain that is so bad it brings out the tears. And you know me, I hate crying. I remember getting migraines and headaches when I was younger and my mom would say, "Try not to cry, crying will make your head hurt worse." So I learned and taught myself to breathe through my pain. I deal with a lot of pain by breathing and trying not to cry. Mom was right, all that crying did just make my head hurt worse. So now, when there are tears falling, with me that means there is some serious pain. Especially when I'm doing all that I can to stop those tears yet they still fall. I'm tired of pain like this! I'm fed up with daily headaches that send most people to bed, but I keep pushing through them. I'm tired of constantly feeling as if the ground below me is moving and I never know which way it will tilt. I'm tired of being in the middle of a great book, only to go completely blurry in my vision to the point that I can no longer make out the words. I'm sick of spending beautiful days inside on the couch because I'm a fall risk and I have no one to go outside with me other than my kids, and I definitely do not want to get sick out in the yard alone with my kids! Today, I'm more than usual really just fed up with this stupid disease.
I have so many things that I want to do! Places I would love to see. Events I would love to attend. Just hobbies that I wish I could pursue with extreme gusto instead of hit and miss learning and experience because I'm stuck indoors more than anything else. I just wanna be the person that I know that exists inside this broken body.